Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
