im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
