I want to have your abortion
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
