My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My underwear smells like fireworks.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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