Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
