I hope mine doesn't look like that
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
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I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
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If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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