What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Success! We fucked roommates!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
