sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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