At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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