That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
