She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
