You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
