You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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