ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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