Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
