I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
