i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
