if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
