Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
this beer tastes like vomit already
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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