her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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