i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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