If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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