I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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