It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
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Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up