Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
