i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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