Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
were you high?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on