How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
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my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
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I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall