Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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