I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
