I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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