Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
