Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
