Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
