He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
