Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
