I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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