I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
