haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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