she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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