only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
