She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she looked like the before picture.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
