Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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