Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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