You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
