I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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