my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
