It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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