Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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