I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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