Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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