I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
