The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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