Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
